Carolyn remembers cowering in the corner of the room as her stepfather beat her over and over with the buckle of a belt. “You good for nothing. You’ll never amount to anything,” he would shout at her. Carolyn finds it painful to share these memories of childhood and her stepfather’s cruelty. The abuse not only left marks on her body but bruised her tender spirit. “My stepfather so was mean to me as a child. I didn’t know what to expect at home. I was always in survival mode,” she explains.
Even while she was away at school, her mind was worried about her mother’s safety, making it hard to focus. “I witnessed him pulling a gun out on my mom. I always prayed that my stepfather would be in a good mood, but he drank a lot,” Carolyn admits.
With alcohol easily accessible, Carolyn found herself turning to it as a teen. “I started drinking to numb some things I had gone through,” she recalls. And adding to the childhood trauma, Carolyn painfully shares, “Then, I was raped at the age of 14 by an older boy.”
After that, Carolyn began to feel her emotions shutting down. She started isolating herself and falling into depression. “I trusted no one. I was still dealing with abuse at home. And I became angry and didn’t want anyone touching me. I felt unloved and not in control of my own body,” she shares.
The tragic cycle of abuse
Carolyn was carrying such hurt and her sense of self-worth was low. But the tragic cycle of physical abuse continued in her life. She ended up in a relationship with a man who took out his anger and aggression on her. There were many times when her life was at risk, but she remembers one terrifying moment.
“My rock bottom was when he shot at me after raping me,” Carolyn reveals. That’s when she knew she needed to find help and to get to safety quickly — before it was too late. So she turned to Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission.
Christmas at the Mission
It was right around Christmastime when she first came to the Mission. As soon as she walked through the doors, she remembers, “It was like a weight lifted. I had my son and grandson with me. Presents were just waiting for us. For the first time, I didn’t have to worry about anything.”
Not only were her needs cared for, but she was able to find healing for her emotional scars. “What I learned at the Mission was about God’s grace. Once I learned that, I forgave myself from a lot of things that I thought were unforgivable,” she says with a sigh of relief.
What the future looks like
Today, as Carolyn looks back, she remembers many moments when she wondered if life was worth living. So many of her days were spent in pain and heartache. But she now sees how God spared her so that she could come into the full restoration of His amazing grace. “God’s grace gives you second chances. It helps you, it walks alongside you, and it gets you to the point you need to be at. Mistakes are okay. It’s all part of growing,” she concludes.
Carolyn’s no longer ashamed of her story but believes it can help others who have experienced abuse to know they’re not alone. “I’m excited about the future because I have an opportunity to give back. This Mission is a gift that keeps giving new life.”
